It did not look Like I Had Imagined
An example of the beauty in Mesa, Arizona
These are beautiful, often chaotic, sometimes “barely catch my breath” kind of days. In the last several months, I’ve had lots of travel including Washington, D.C; Phoenix, Arizona; Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; and I’m in Dublin, Ireland currently. Recently, as I sat in the airport for another trip I began reflecting on my time in Phoenix a month ago. Officially, I was there for the Society of Behavioral Medicine annual research conference. I was there to share research findings and learn the latest research strategies other researchers have used successfully that I could take back to my team. It was also a beautiful opportunity to reconnect with colleagues as well as a dear friend.
It has been many years since Michelle and I have had this kind of uninterrupted time to talk one on one in person. But in the past, we have had SOOO many long talks, many of which were during one of the hardest times of my life.
We forged a deep trust during that time and though we now speak infrequently now … when we do it is as if nothing has changed. The deep trust and familiarity remain.
So in Phoenix on that Friday evening, after the conference had ended, Michelle picked me up from my hotel and took me for a long drive followed by a great dinner.
Being whisked away was just what my soul needed. I had longingly looked at the mountains in the distance from my hotel room. That mountainous view was stunning but I knew there was more I hadn’t experienced. And the next thing I knew I was exploring that very area. These are just a few of the pictures I snapped effortlessly.
It looked so different than I expected up close. What I was seeing was no longer limited by distance as it was in the airplane, or from my suite. It was not clouded by my assumptions of what Phoenix, Arizona “is like” based on pictures and stories.
Phoenix was more beautiful than I had imagined.
And, dear friend, so is life.
It was incredible talking with Michelle. We reflected on the arc of our lives so far. We caught up on things we had missed and heard from one another about the different ways we had pursued what was meaningful to us. We shared the different ways our hopes have been fulfilled or had not been yet.
As I described the writing and research that currently inspire me, I saw the joy mirrored on her face. As she described the connections she had built with her students, colleagues, and community and the impact this was making, I mirrored her happiness and shared how important this was. As we reflected on how much our kids had grown since they last saw one another and the milestones they have now met we both agreed it seemed unbelievable. I felt seen and I believe she did too.
People who listen well are able to mirror our joy, our delight, and our sadness. Mirroring is defined as “the reflection or replication of something”. And you may reflexively think, I don't want people to mirror what I am feeling or doing. But the evidence suggests otherwise. We need mirroring to know we are heard, that we are understood, and sometimes even that we are safe. For example, during job interviews, if we mirror the interviewer we are more likely to get hired. If they lean to the left we should lean to the left. Additionally, mirroring their facial expressions and hand gestures can also build rapport and we are more likely to be viewed favorably – in this case meaning we will be hired! Just to be clear though mirroring is not mimicking. It is important that we do this authentically. Another example of mirroring is what a parent does with a small child. If we smile at them the child will mirror us and smile. If they are sad and we show we are sad, mirroring their expression, they are more quickly able to process what they are feeling and move to a happier state after that. These are just a couple of examples that show that mirroring helps us. In this way, mirroring helps us feel less alone, and more known. Lastly, if you want to read another example of mirroring, check out my previous blog post: Mentors Hold Up A Mirror and Lift Our Gaze So We Can See More Clearly. And know that there are lots more coming about mirroring… including a large project I will be sharing about soon.
In closing, this experience in Phoenix reminded me again that I am not meant to have a predictable, familiar, “everything is under control” type of life. Neither are you. And many times in life we all find ourselves realizing “it did not look like I had imagined”. But that is okay and another part of the beauty of life. So here’s to savoring more adventure and all that is ahead in whatever breathless, sweaty, “what am I doing here” thoughts and experiences it comes packaged in.
A beautiful plant growing on the Butcher Jones Trail near Apache Junction, Arizona. Isn’t this a beautiful illustration of life — Beauty with a side of pain?
