Gifts That Cannot Be Bought
You know those moments where you realize the event you just experienced defied all odds?
The more you think about it, the harder it is to believe it happened.
Its “should not have happened” qualities make it feel even more special. These are the moments that often make us shake our head in disbelief and smile. We realize that if one single thing had changed, or taken longer, it would not have happened. We can struggle to put these moments into words. Maybe it is the amount of “greenlights” it took to get to where you did and when you did, the unlikelihood of ever crossing paths with that person, or the winding way that “detour” took you to exactly where you needed to be when you needed to be. That is just the beginning.
There are lots of terms or euphemisms people use to try to describe these astonishing personal experiences we have. On the surface it can seem like a coincidence. Some people feel like this term captures what it is. For other people, the degree of pure delight, unexpectedness, and perfect timing all combined seems orchestrated. People from some faith communities will use terms like “divine intervention”, “divine appointment”, “God thing”, “God appointment”, “God wink”, etc., to try and capture it.
For me, these moments are examples of gifts that cannot be bought. They are the moments that help me pause and savor and feel grateful in a new way. They often are what help me come out of autopilot or distraction.
During this Christmas holiday with our focus on gifts and gift buying, it feels important to me to remember that we can feel loved and seen without any money being spent. We may feel even more loved and seen when no money is spent (that is a whole other topic for the future!).
I want to share with you an experience I had on July 17, 2018.
I only know that detail because I journal about it.
Right after it happened, I also shared about it via text with several of my closest friends and family. Just re-rereading this entry and messages helped me fill in the gaps of my memory. But the core experience, my sheer delight is so obvious and in my mind is as fresh as if it just happened. The term that captured it for me and I immediately used to describe it in my journal was – God wink. It felt like, God tailored each of these details and the timing of them in such a way that it was as if he was winking saying “I see you. Keep on! You’ve got this.”
And can you guess where it happened? Here is your hint.
Photo Cred: Netherlands: MCDonalds Winterswijk. 7 April 2009. M.F. Naaldenberg
This is one of those details that makes me shake my head and smile even more. This as an unusual place for me to be working and was completely outside of my typical routine…except for this day.
This event I am going to share was also meaningful for many reasons, some which will be obvious as you read, but one main one I want you don’t miss is that this meeting happened at a time that it seemed like things were going wrong with my research plans during my PhD. I had just realized that a grant I was about to submit to the National Institute for Health was missing a critical piece of data that I would actually need to do another research study to figure out first. This felt like a huge setback.
I was beginning to wonder
Have I gotten off track?
Can I work harder to make things go differently?
Do I have what this will take?
Will things ever fall in place?
Will I ever finish my dissertation and complete this PhD?
And as I look back, there are so many reasons this meeting at McDonalds should not have happened. But it did and I am so glad I didn’t miss it.
Here is my journal entry with a few edits to make it more understandable to those of you outside of my mind. 😂
Amazing GOD-WINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Literally one of the best I have ever experienced!!!!!!!I am going to attempt to capture what I just witnessed this morning; but, I feel like I have already failed before I begin.
This morning after my yoga & pilate classes I came to the McDonalds below the YMCA to work for a couple of hours. I had found a booth in the corner and was in the process of making a transcription for an interview [making a typed version of the interview ensuring it is typed word for word exactly what was said] I am presenting tomorrow in my health disparities course. My interviewee - a colleague, friend, and well-known health disparities researcher, described how one of the traps we can fall into is being “short-sighted”. She explained how we want to help people and completing the “PhD marathon” can seem far removed from this but yet it ultimately will provide the larger opportunity to help others.
As I was typing, I would periodically look up and around. To my left was an approximately 7- year-old Hispanic girl with Down Syndrome and her mother. Her mother didn’t eat but sat there feeding her daughter with incredible care.
The little girl’s hair was meticulously styled. It had been fixed into two braids for the the upper part of her hair that then came into one ponytail. She was dressed impeccably. As I saw her and witnessed how her mom interacted with her and cared for her, I immediately recognized what I call “a rockstar parent” in clinic. They are doing everything they can to give their child the opportunities they can to be accepted and have a “normal” life.
I actually heard this beautiful girl before I saw her.
During a moment of stopping my interview recording to type the text, despite my ear buds, I heard the characteristic sound of vocal self-stimulatory behaviors individuals with intellectual disability can commonly have (examples: humming, high-pitched shrieking, repeating vocal sequences).. As soon as I heard this, I looked up and also recognized the characteristic hand flapping. The mom was helping her eat her pancakes and drink her milk with incredible care. She treated her daughter maturely and expected her to eat this way as well. This was clearly something they practiced often with the mother using the meal time to practice teaching her the proper way to eat as well as other things.I returned to typing. Next thing I knew she was right beside me and…
This is what I texted to a few of my closest friends/family immediately after it happened.
“I kid you not, I think Jesus, in the form of a 7-year-old Hispanic girl with Down syndrome, just gave me a hug. Seriously one of the best God winks I have ever experienced. I was working on my computer near where she and her mom were eating. As I observed the incredible care and attention the mom gave her daughter including how she was dressed and fed etc., all I could think about was that – they are why I am doing this research. I would occasionally glance up from my computer to look at them. I didn’t realize she must have also been watching me.
The next thing I know she is beside me reaching out and beginning to hug me. She then nestled beside me on the bench and continued to hug/hold me. She had apparently ran to me the moment her mom was distracted putting away their trash.
Her mom called to her and then came over to get her. I smiled, let her know I appreciated the hug, and told her that her daughter is beautiful. As they left the tears began to fall...and haven’t stopped yet. This season is so hard but I am trusting God will continue to provide unexpected moments of beauty like this one.”
She cuddled up to me and held me tight like only my kids, and other children very close to me have done.
I first spoke to her mother In English telling her her daughter is beautiful. Then in a poor attempt at using Spanish so both the mom and daughter could understand, I said “muy bonita”. Her mother had smiled when I said it in English, but when I told her in Spanish - her native tongue - her eyes absolutely lit up. Her smile broadened further.
Isn’t that just like all of us? We can hear words and they are nice; but, said in a certain way with extra care at particularly challenging times can make us exponentially encouraged. That is what this encounter did for me today.
I don’t ever want to forget her and the hope she renewed in me.
Even more fascinating is how when I first observed this mother-daughter duo, my first knee-jerk thought was “How can I encourage this mother? How can I let her know that I see her and honor her?”
Then I began thinking how I do not want to make this seem to be about her daughter's disability because it is not. She is not a diagnosis and they impressed me because of who they are. However, it is in the context of intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD) that I have seen more vividly the resilience of families and the beauty of connection. This work has informed my work with other families.
However, before I knew it, they were encouraging me. There wasn’t anything perfect for me to say. The perfect response was to receive the hugs and simply tell her she was beautiful. Because she is and her beauty wore off on me too.
This experience, at McDonalds on that day at that precise time, seated exactly where we could see one another, and doing the activities we were primed for. The perfect timing of transcribing my friend's recorded interview hearing again her sharing about being “short-sighted” followed by her encouragmenet to lean further into this uncomfortable season. This experience will be burned in my memory. My having the thoughts that maybe I had gotten off track with my research plan, then changed by this encounter, suddenly my mind was at ease.
I was thankful for being there at that moment. It was just the encouragement I needed. This was an incredible gift on my PhD journey that often felt very lonely and hard.
I am the only one that can fully appreciate what I experienced.
I closed this journaling session by thanking God for still making flowers grow in places that will never be seen by human eyes and that grow in the midst of rocks where theoretically they should never have grown. This was what I was feeling…though if felt like the odds were against me on some level, I knew that when the time was right my work and I would bloom in new ways. Thanks to this 7-year-old girl and her mom who helped me see.
I have thought about this McDonald’s event countless times since then and each time it is like opening the gift again. On this side of things, I can see how:
This exchange with this family was another form of confirmation that I was on my right path and I was not behind. Any change in timing and I could have missed this.
This “detour” was not going to put me in the ditch.
This experience was a defining moment that would serve as another “stake in the ground”, another form of direction pointing me to my “true north” so I would not drift or be discouraged.
So what memories have come to your mind?
What gifts have received that cannot be bought?
How are you holding these memories and gifts near, ensuring you don’t forget them?
As always, I would love to hear if you would like to share in the comments below or through my social media channels.
Instagram: @drmichellescotton
Facebook: @drmichellescottonfranklin
Twitter: MFranklinPhD
