It’s You: Realizing you are the one you have been waiting for
I will always remember the conversation.
The time my mentor and I spent together, it made me trust her. And I suspect the many different ways I had asked the same questions leading up to that day made her know it was time to get very direct with me. What she said stopped me in my tracks.
I had finished my PhD and was in my postdoc trying to build my research program. At that time, I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do next. Honestly, I was still hoping someone would know what I should do next and probably hoped they might tell me with the degree of certainty I was longing for. The further I went along through my doctoral work, the more options I saw. I was thankful to see multiple paths I could take next, but I was confused by these options.
That day, during our mentoring session, I did what I had done multiple times before. I shared something I was working on and again asked if she knew someone else I could contact working on this topic or something close. Was there anyone else at Duke or beyond whom I had yet to meet that I should reach out to? I longed for someone to say they knew exactly what I was working on and would tell me the next right thing to do.
I thought that was what I needed.
Have you ever read the children's book "Are You My Mother?" by P.D. Eastman? Where the little bird goes around asking everything, including a cat, a dog, a truck, and more, "Are you my mother?" I was doing this professionally. But in my case, I was looking for a mentor who would know more than I did.
But here is the thing.
I already had incredible mentors. At that very moment, I was talking to one of them. As an expert researcher and national-recognized health policy leader, her expertise spanned multiple fields, and her mastery has led her to the well-deserved leadership positions she held. Not only this, she is also a shining example of a female executive leader doing excellent work in academia and not sacrificing those priceless moments with her children at home. I respect her for so many reasons.
And for the record, I have a great mom, too, so I should not be searching for yet another mom or mentor.
I also didn't need another voice speaking to me.
But yet, I still felt uncertain. And some days, including these days, it is still the same. I am working on several projects that have me WAY outside of my comfort zone. But my mentor told me something that stuck that day, and you may need to hear that, too.
I wish I could convey the earnestness I saw in her eyes. The ways she showed her confidence in me when mine was lacking. This all combined to help me hear her loud and clear.
So there I was, asking her a question I had asked in many different ways before, to help me connect with that person who knew disability policy and had an emphasis on developmental disabilities. I wanted a clinician and researcher focused on mental health who knew the nuances of Medicaid and Medicaid waivers.
Once again, I hoped someone would come to mind if I asked in another way and on a different day.
What she said was this –
"You are her. This is why you are here."
She explained why she and the organization are invested in me and this work. They recognized that I was working on a critical research gap and knew it was important work.
She told me I could be that mentor for someone else on these topics in the future. But for now, she was pointing me back to myself.
She was telling me that the person I was waiting for was me.
It was time to stand confidently in what I did know and look for the answers I still needed because they would not be given to me.
That was a defining moment for me.
That conversation has replayed in my mind many times.
"You are her".
It also reminded me that I don't have to know everything before leading in those spaces and making important contributions.
We don't get fit before we go to the gym. We don't wait to start a job until we have mastered all of the elements of the role. We don't become parents once we know how to parent. We don't have the opportunity to master something without first navigating the struggle.
And we don't need to wait. We can't afford to wait.
The time we spend waiting for someone to acknowledge us and give us the role is better spent charting our path.
This is not to say we don't need mentors. We do, but we do not need to look to them to answer the questions and make the only decisions we can.
There is no need to go it alone, but it is also critical not to seek mentors with the same qualifications.
#1 - they don't exist. Only you know what you know; have seen what you have seen. Only you understand what motivates you to do what you feel called to do. It would be duplicative to have two of you. And only one of you is charting that path in this beautifully chaotic world.
#2 - this will cause you to miss the beauty that a diverse group of mentors can provide. I have mentors whose work does overlap with mine in some ways and others who are incredibly different. But we are invested in doing work bigger than us, and we know we need people to help us in what can feel like isolating work.
I have a great group of mentors: some in the trenches with me doing clinical work, others collaborating on my research. Others are much further down the professional path than me, one recognized as a living legend, another internationally recognized scientist with more publications than I can dream of doing. Their unique perspectives remind me why I do what I do and encourage me to chart my path. They remind me of the words I have shared with them, the progress I am making toward these goals, and the painful experiences they had, and they hope I may be able to avoid them. But if I can't avoid this pain, in their presence, I'll feel more encouraged through it.
So, what have you been wondering about? Is there something you have been asking others about, trying to scratch that longing for someone to give you that bit of advice that will make it clear?
Is it possible that you are the person you are longing for?
Another degree, title, or form of external validation is not what you need; instead, you need to take the time you put into pursuing others and looking inward.
And from that recognition of your inner knowing, you can chart the next leg of your journey. But much like with mentors, it takes time and commitment to forge that trusting relationship with ourselves.
I do hope you have and will continue to find incredible mentors. But I pray you never feel that they are doing what you are supposed to do because that is where you may begin to believe your voice is not needed. Your perspective has already been shared.
What if instead you?
Set the intention of being that best friend to yourself instead of waiting for someone else to call and want to make plans. Wandering around your favorite store and having time to think alone is well spent.
Or what about going to your favorite coffee shop and soaking in the atmosphere with yourself? Make it a date just like you would with someone else, and don't cancel.
Take that risk, the one that keeps coming back to your mind. Without someone else needing to validate its importance, you validate your importance and vision and act on it.
What if it is you? You are the one you have been waiting for?
I don't want to oversimplify things; life is complicated, but I am deeply convinced we are often who we have been waiting for all along. When you realize no one is coming to tell you what you need to hear, you can get quiet enough to listen to what you want and know. No one is more invested in your path and knows more about where you have been and where you are going than you.
I would love to hear what you are thinking and dreaming about. Please share it with me or someone else. And though it is frightening, I hope you can recognize that excitement often comes initially disguised as fear.
