Enjoy the Detour?
Her words still echo in my mind. “Enjoy the detour”.
Kesha, one of my dearest friends since 9th grade, said these three simple words to me. But they didn’t seem simple at all. In fact, initially they sounded like an impossibility but also like potential relief.
She said these words with a twinkle in her eye and loving kindness in her voice. She had summoned up her bravest smile and she was seeking to inject courage into me.
Enjoy.
Enjoy the detour.
Yes, even this detour.
And her words still echo in my mind over 23 years later. The news was still just sinking in that at 19 years old I would become a mom. As you can imagine, this would be hard news for most 18-year-olds to process and it certainly was for me. I was the type of teenager who was convinced that in many ways life would really get started in college after I left my small town. Don’t get me wrong. I loved the small rural North Carolina town where I grew up. However, the appeal of Chapel Hill and what I thought my life would look like there beckoned me.
My excitement to embrace UNC as my new home and all the opportunities I hoped to have kept me going my senior year. My senior year had been filled with the classic symptoms of senioritis and a bad case of mono.
Me and my parents at my high school graduation presenting them roses as an appreciation. We survived. May 1998.
I began to realize that the next season I had dreamed of would look very different. Faced with the choice, I knew welcoming Adia into the world was the right decision for us. Though I had so much to learn, I loved her and in many ways we grew up together. In many ways she figuratively held up a mirror so I could see me and grow into who I wanted to be for us.
Adia and I during her senior year of high school at her senior photo shoot. Fall 2016.
Adia graduating from kindegarten (May 2005) versus graduating from high school. May 2017. Of course the days flew by and the joy I feel sharing this — there are no words to adequately describe it.
Adia and I at her high school graduation. May 2017.
Adia in New York City. At her request, my sister, my mom, and I took her there for her senior trip and we did ALL THE THINGS! May 2017.
Adia and I in NYC with the “Fearless Girl” statue across from the New York Stock Exchange. May 2017. She was close to the age I was when I learned I would be having her. I thought about that often during this trip and during that season of transition into her freshman year of college.
Adia is now 23 years old. She has completed undergraduate degree at NC State and is now in law school at Texas A & M. She has been beautiful and deeply intuitive since the day she was born.
These words and the concept of enjoying the detour have become a guiding intention for us. Kesha and I have reminded one another of it countless times since. We have repeated this through many different seasons and struggles and I’m sure we will have the opportunity to do it more. This phrase has consistently been a touch point, a salve for my weary soul, and at times it has felt like a battle cry.
Maybe you are thinking “really? Just like that? Enjoy the detour?”
Am I really going to just drop this phrase? Maybe it seems trite and pollyannaish. You could imagine “enjoy the detour” being said in a patronizing manner. One could say it with a heavy dose of sarcasm and it would change the meaning. It could also be said in a pithy dismissive way like “oh well dear, might as well ‘enjoy the detour'” sort of way.
But then there is the way you could hear it when a trusted friend sits across from you, leans forward, and shares hope through their presence. They share this simple phrase – enjoy the detour – with the intent of both holding space for the hard disappointment you are feeling and the understanding that what you had expected is now different.
But this is my hope for you. That whatever day and in whatever season you are reading these words that you hear me reminding you and me that we can enjoy the detour. Imagine I am sitting across from you and I am slowly nodding my head and encouraging you “yes, you really can enjoy this detour”.
And then we would process it further. We could discuss how:
Some of the greatest adventures begin as a “detour”. It doesn’t seem like things will be as you had initially hoped, but we would lean into the possibility of what could come and the hope there is in this.
Declaring something as a “detour” means we know what the one “right path” was in the first place is … and that is rarely the case. We would talk about how examining our expectations when we are struggling is crucial and only we can do this work.
It is often not possible to label an event or experience “absolutely good”or “absolutely bad”. A person can lose a job, then find a job that is a much better fit for them and their talents. On the other hand, a job promotion can end up feeling more like a nightmare. And having to process the death of a loved one, though decidedly a loss, can teach us how to live more fully for the reset of our days in a way that few other experiences can.
In the moments when we realize our worst fears of what could go wrong are no longer theoretical but now a reality, we realize we can endure more than we imagined. That is the tipping point when fear loses its power.
So what detours have you faced or are you currently facing? On one level I do wish we could really sit together and talk about what is coming to your mind right now. But on another more important level, I realize I could serve as a distraction. You could feel the urge to edit and give me the cleaned up version. Or you may feel the urge to share something that you think would connect to my narrative. But what is much more important is for you to sit with you and process what comes to mind.
Sometimes we do need to share our experiences out loud with others, but often we skip the important step of taking the time to process our grief with ourselves. As you listen to yourself, you can provide affirmation, understanding, and guidance that only you are uniquely qualified to give to yourself. After all, you know all the details that it would be impossible to fully share with me or someone else. Journaling really helps me but there are many other ways to get our thoughts and feelings out so we can understand ourselves better and move forward.
I am a firm believer that as we move through our detours, we begin to see the beauty in how they are strung together. As we examine these times, they begin to look more like adventures and the moments where we build the important scaffolding and begin to see who we are becoming. We can begin to see ourselves as less of a mess and more of a well-intentioned human, working hard to make the best decision we can with the information we have.
Life is best lived in these moments where we are faced with the reality of life not going as we planned, but walking through this uncertainty and getting to witness first hand how we face adversity. We can see that we are stronger and more resilient than we imagined. These detours serve as mirrors to help us see who we are, who we are becoming, and show us opportunities to build the lives we long for.
For me, enjoying the detour has not been a life lesson that is one and done. In closing I’ll share this one final simple example. Last week, I was in Greensboro, North Carolina on a road I have traveled countless times. But then I saw a literal detour sign. I groaned. I immediately recognized I would have to take a different way - a way I had not been before and I feared would take longer and be inconvenient.
In reality, it ended up not being longer! It actually helped me realize that two roads I knew individually but I had not realized were actually connected. This detour was a good way. Actually a better, quicker, and more scenic way. I laughed and this still makes me laugh recalling it.
In summary, enjoying the detour is both a challenge and an invitation. This simple phrase, these three words, remind me
Detours are not dead ends.
It is nearly impossible to accurately label an experience or event as “good” or “bad” in real time and sometimes even in retrospect.
The current “detour” is often crucial for the next moment, the new challenge, and the next opportunity.
The short version of all of this is that life is more like a detour than a straight path for each of us. The long story is that the detours add up to our life.
Yes, enjoy.
Enjoy the detour.
Yes, friend, even this detour.
