To Those Who Struggle During the Holidays
Growing up, my childhood holidays were often full of delight. My parents worked hard to make this possible. My mom was motivated to emulate and build on the traditions that were so meaningful to her growing up. My father put incredible pressure on himself, often unspoken pressure, to make my childhood memories better than the childhood experiences he had that haunted him.
None of us come into the holidays with a blank slate. We often enter the holiday week tired. Like we have been running from third base into home with all we have… and the knowledge that we may not make it in one piece. What could go wrong???? Haha. Tired people who have been juggling competing demands who may not have fully prepared their minds for the change in pace and the predictably, unpredictable flood of unspoken expectations.
The expectations for holidays are varied but common themes are:
Everyone should arrive on time
Everyone should be showing thankfulness for the preparation that has went into the event
Everyone should be “minding their manners”
Everyone should be looking happy and like a picture of health
Again, what could go wrong?
This boils down to expectations.
Expectation is a noun which Oxford Dictionary defines as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future”. And expectations are as unique as every single person. The expectations we form depend on lots of factors - what we have seen, what we know, how we have been hurt, how old we are, what we think today and our future should look like. I could go on…
And we often think these factors are things we can control or should control. Meanwhile, our expectations go unrecognized, unchecked, and are not communicated – until they are not met. And that is when the conversation or the family gathering “goes sideways”.
We will unpack this further in future blogs, but for today let’s reflect. Let’s reflect on the thanksgiving we just had and prepare for the upcoming Christmas Holiday.
I encourage you to take a few minutes and reflect on your Thanksgiving holiday. Maybe you choose one family event that was hard or maybe you choose an entire day. To really understand this Thanksgiving you may need to reflect further back on previous ones. I encourage you to do so with curiosity though not judgment. For example, as I reflect on the holiday I have experienced, by reflecting now when I am at the age my parents were when that holiday happened, I have a new level of understanding. The facts and details do not change; but, how I understand those memories with this new context is different. I understand in new ways the pressures they were managing. Revisiting these times helps me have a new grace for them and myself.
It is much like these images of Deep River in Franklinville, North Carolina. These are 4 different images of the same river. But they were taken at different times of the day, in different seasons, and from different perspectives. I loved each of these at the moment I took them. But I can see the beauty of the river in a new way when I look at them together and compare and contrast what I am seeing. Through this exercise, I know and appreciate the river even more.
Here are some important questions that will help you drill down to what you are feeling, what really matters, and what is the right next step. These questions are certainly not limited to the Holidays. I think these are great prompts to use everyday to stay curious about ourselves and those we care for and interact with. These are the questions I ask myself when I’m trying to untangle complex feelings or unexpected reactions.
Hint: Again, just be curious and don’t immediately search for the “right answer”.
Spoiler alert: There may not be one right answer and there may not even be a problem to solve. And if there is, regardless, you will be further ahead in solving it by staying curious and nonjudgmental.
Without further ado, here are seven prompts to help clarify what you are feeling, understand what caused you to experience things this way, and identify the right next step for you.
1- How did I feel in my body and mind? (Recognizing our feelings and perceptions as valid.)
2- What did I hope I would feel or experience? (My hopeful expectations. This is the “script” I hoped would become true.)
3- Is there a difference between what I felt in my body and mind and what I had hoped I would feel or experience? (The discrepancy that caused me to be disappointed.)
4- What did I do, in advance, to position myself for success and to feel like the best version of me? (Commitment to health habits that help me be resilient.)
5- Am I missing a puzzle piece? (Consider other alternative explanations that need to be explored. For example, do I or the loved one I had conflict with have unrecognized or undertreated physical or mental health concerns? What else could explain the disconnect between what I hoped for and what was experienced this holiday?
6- Recognizing myself as my own best friend, how can I show myself kindness in the middle of this hardship? (Commitment to practicing self-kindness.)
7- Given all of this, what is the right next step? (Intentional reflection then informing action.)
These prompts can be used in real time or reflection. They can help us in relationships with others but maybe most importantly in our relationship with ourselves.
Friend, you really are your best asset and to take good care of you is not selfish. It is a gift to everyone around you.
What is your next best step toward self-kindness today?
Please share. I would love to hear.
