“How is your Self-Compassion?”

Deep River in Franklinville, North Carolina one of my favorite places to write

You know that feeling you have when you have not seen a friend in a long while? Suddenly you are with them, and you realize there are so many things you want to share? You are having a hard time knowing where to start.

Jane, one of my best friends, and I had this very experience just last weekend. She lives in Wisconsin, but she was in Durham for a conference. And, though we spent lots of time together during our PhD studies, since she moved home, it has been hard to find time to have long uninterrupted chats. As I picked her up for dinner, this was our chance. But as she hopped into my SUV she said, “I don’t know where to start!” I responded, “just jump in; we will cover everything eventually”. I am having that feeling with this blog. 

There is a lot to say and though we will not cover everything (trust me you don’t want all the details 😂), I am excited, over time, to share the things that are for this space. I believe that what I put here is for you. I also believe it is for us and it is for a broader audience as well. 

But first, we must wrestle with what has been. We must go back to go forward. As we do that, we make space for what is now, and we become better prepared for what is ahead. 

Often, we just need the space to tackle hard things in the quiet moments. We have to intentionally pause. Reading, holding words whether it is in print or digital, and doing so in a quiet place where we feel safe is a great way to do this. My hope is that as you read these words you do so when you have a few moments to be quiet and reflect. Know that this is how I am writing these words for you. I am intentionally creating margin and getting quiet so I can hear what is next. That is so much like life. The seasons of quiet, prime us for the next season in ways we could never truly appreciate but also makes us marvel. I have been experiencing this and am excited to share more about that as well.

What I share may sometimes feel like a winding conversation, but I hope you will bear with me and trust me as I pull these threads. The structure will unfold, and connections will emerge. I also hope you will respond – in whatever way feels best to you. You can respond in the comments here on this blog, on my other social media platforms, or as we connect in real life in the grocery store and beyond. I love hearing your thoughts and how you are navigating life; and it is an honor to share the same with you.

If you know me or have been following me for a while on any of my social media platforms, you have heard or read my writing about self-compassion more than once. If you are in my personal life, you may have lost count by now! But this is a concept that now, just by hearing it or reminding myself of it and its components, makes me take a deeper breath. 

Setting an intention of self-compassion helps recognize and remember the ways having a self-compassionate attitude towards myself changes me and the environment around me. 

The first time I recall hearing about self-compassion (different from self-care but that is for another post!) was during the fall of 2017.  I was doing my PhD at Duke University and an accomplished researcher I know rounded the corner in the hallway ahead of me. They unexpectedly asked me a question that has echoed in my mind ever since. 

As this researcher met me in the hallway, in a quiet unassuming way they asked, "how is your self-compassion?" I was caught completely off guard. I had not heard them mention it before but given who they are I knew it was a research concept. I also intuitively knew my self-compassion was not amazing. I knew I was working long hours on my research and oftentimes telling myself I “should have more to show for it”. I recall awkwardly laughing and saying something like - "oh wow, it is probably not that great". I appreciated that there was no judgment in their question or their response. I also appreciated that they were reminding me that self-compassion matters; that this was a question worth asking and one worth answering. 

Over the last five years, their asking “how is your self-compassion” has prompted me to do an incredible amount of reading of the self-compassion literature and reflecting on what self-compassion is and feels like. 

I began to recognize the elements of self-compassion and see that this was a key ingredient within families I worked with in my clinical practice whom I saw thriving despite incredible challenges. As I began to intentionally practice self-compassion, I began to realize how it helps us suffer less. I began seeing the many ways an attitude of self-compassion can impact myself and others around me both personally and professionally.

So, what is self-compassion? There is a lot of research on what it is and the impact that practicing self-compassion can make on our bodies and minds. I have really enjoyed learning from Dr. Kristin Neff and the research she has been doing for 20+ years about self-compassion. She has found there are 3 elements that makes up self-compassion: 

Self-kindness - being understanding, accepting, caring and encouraging to ourselves

Common humanity - recognizing that suffering and imperfections are part of the human experience

Mindfulness - non-judgmentally acknowledging our present moment and all that it holds

Each of these resonated deeply with me and reinforced what my life to-date had shown me. 

When I was kind to myself, I suffered less, and I performed better. 

I wanted to work harder. But when I was the merciless taskmaster of myself, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. 

When I acknowledged my humanity, I remembered it is not just me that is struggling. Normalizing this has helped me shift from perseverating on “what is my problem?!?” to “what is this showing me?” and “how can experiencing this help me?”

Lastly, being in the moment mindfully is consistently the key ingredient, that “secret sauce”, for a good day. When I am practicing mindfulness and truly “being here now”, I can truly savor a conversation with a friend, a productive writing block, cleaning, you name it. 

Every day we have the opportunity to treat ourselves self-compassionately or not. This does not depend on anyone else and the responsibility rests on us alone. 

Over time I will be talking more about how the self-compassion literature has shifted how I approach life and work. If it seems muddy or like a lot right now, trust me, like most everything else, the more you think about it and practice it, the clearer it will get. We have to translate this head knowledge to heart knowledge. 

I hope you will continue to see me model and live out these components. I truly believe these are elements that will not only change our perspective, but they can also change our legacy. May we literally shift the environment by being more self-compassionate people so those around us can be too. I also believe self-compassion is the root of sustainable compassion for others as well. More about that later… 

For now, will you look for the ways you can practice these elements of self-compassion?

And look for examples of others 1) being kind to themselves, 2) recognizing their common humanity and practicing understanding with themselves and others, and 3) being fully in the moment. Kids are typically good at this… before it changes…  

Once we name it, we can more easily see it and cultivate it.